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TOP 10 WAYS TO IRRITATE YOUR VISITORS

Let's face it. It is really hard to come up with new ways to fully irritate visitors to your site.

I thought I would share some ways that I have found to irritate visitors and drive them away, thereby saving you money on your hosting bills. These tips are not in order according to their effectiveness, however #1 is by far the most effective. For 100% effectiveness, use any three of these techniques.

1. Install a script to disable everyone's right mouse click button. When someone tries to right-click, be sure to pop up a really insulting warning that accuses them of trying to steal your secret HTML code. Disabling the right click button will allow you to:

  • Keep the visitor from bookmarking your site

  • Keep the visitor from using the forward and back browser functions

  • Keep the visitor from opening your links in a new window

  • Keep the visitor from stopping a slow loading or hung page

  • Keep the visitor from using the Reload function to correct a display problem

  • Keep the visitor from printing your secret content

  • Keep the visitor from using such illegal tools as the Google site information tool

Admittedly the visitors can do all of these things with the buttons at the top of the browser, but maybe they won't know that and simply go away as you intended when you disabled their dangerous right-click button.

2. Create a really long page that immediately starts playing your favorite song and put the stop and volume controls at the very bottom of the page. This will make sure they do one of the following:

  • Listen to the entire song all the way through 5 times while reading your content, which proves them worthy of experiencing your site

  • Try desperately to find the Stop button

  • Go somewhere else to stop the song from playing

3. Decide in advance what screen resolution your visitors must use in order to see your pages. It is absolutely a great way to drive them off when they have to scroll from side to side to read sentences of information. You can make this 100% effective by making your pages so wide that no monitor can display it.

4. The really professional irritator will not settle for just one obscure browser plug-in. Go for the gold. Use several bloated plug-ins that no one has already installed. This should drive away all newbies because they usually have no idea how to install even one plug-in, much less three. Experienced surfers will be glad to spend 20 minutes installing plug-ins to view your unique content.

5. When the visitor arrives at your site, be sure to pop up at least two ads behind their browser window and a minimum of two ads in front of their window. This will give them lots of options in where to go now that they have been sufficiently irritated to desire to leave right away. Even more important is the way you treat the occasional hard case that actually stays on your site after all of your efforts. When they leave, remind them to never return. Start popping up windows all over their monitor with windows that multiply every time they try to close them.


[With apologies to the real Jim World pages at http://www.jimworld.com/.]