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News Blurbs

Undergrad sexed. Erik Baptist suspected
Foggy Bottom, Washington -- According to local sources, GW University Undergrad, Michelle Winder, was seen smoking a cigarette outside of her H St. dorm room last Friday afternoon with a look of contented satisfaction on her face. The 19-year-old’s hair was also noticeably disheveled, and her blouse buttoned incorrectly with the 3rd buttonhole attached with the 2nd button. Michelle was heard to sigh longingly and then giggle to herself. Erik Baptist could not be reached for comment.

3L Spotted in Class
GW Law School, Washington -- 3rd year student Brian O’Reilly was spotted in a Constitutional Law 2 class last Wednesday. 2L sources report that O’Reilly, who showed up to class wearing a purple terrycloth robe and holding a “tall boy” of Coors Light, was visibly confused and lost. “It was weird,” noticed 2L Vanessa Shample, “he just sat there staring at the screen in [L301], clicking his pen at it and saying ‘why won’t Sports Center come on?’” The last time a 3L showed up in class was spring 2003 when then 3L Ian McKnight entered a Drugs and the Law class briefly to tell professor Eric Sirulnik that it was his turn.

Civil Procedure Some Boring Shit
S305, Stockton -- Despite the best efforts of the Deans and Faculty to revive the subject of Civil Procedure for 1L students by splitting up the four major sections into smaller ones and using more dynamic faculty, first year insiders report that the class is still boring as shit. 1L John Handits commented, “Man, this class is boring as shit.” Professor Peter Smith agreed, “Yes, civil procedure is boring as shit,” but continued, “wait ‘til you get to [Civil Procedure Two], because that’s totally boring as shit.”

Professor Turley Wins Pissing Contest
Stuart Hall -- J.B and Maurice Shapiro Professor of Public Interest Law, Jonathan Turley, appears to have won a pissing contest with Professor of Law, Gregory E. Maggs last month. When renovation of Stuart was completed, Maggs was promptly booted out of his spacious E-Building office with a view of historic Old Main, and Turley occupied the space. Maggs’ new office, Stuart 305, overlooks the quiet room of Burns Law Library. Professor Hurley attributed his victory over his rival to recent editorials published in the Washington Post, sweet-talking of the female Deans, and ability to urinate farther in competitive situations. While Maggs is disappointed with the change, he remains smarter and more popular with students than Turley.

Headlines

World Fails to End When 1L Passes
by Frank Lattuca

Dildos Try on Suits
by Alan Tauber